A lot of our friends and family didn't get a chance to see our new home before we left and have asked for pictures. It took a while to get settled and organized but here it is. This is where I spend most of my day. I have to admit most days it doesn't look this clean as there are usually toys everywhere, stuff on the table I need to get rid of, and dishes to be done. One thing that you can never have too much of it cabinets. I haven't filled all mine yet but pretty close. they are above the couch, chairs, around the tv, in the island and the kitchen. The cabinet in the middle holds Addison's books and she has a big basket of toys behind the right recliner. The couch does fold out but it's easier to just take the cushions off. It's slightly slanted so we haven't had an issue with her rolling off. The table doesn't get used much right now with Brian working nights so is pushed up aginst the wall to make more space. Addison likes to easy and watch "let it go" :)
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Here is a list of a few of the reasons I secretly pray my dogs won't come back when the run off... but the always do dagnabbit!
1. They are 2 more mouths that I have to feed and water. 2. I'm the one who has to give them baths. 3. They run off at any opportunity, including but not limited to: ripping the leash from your hands, bolting out the door when your hands are full, and taking advantage of a 2 year old that knows how to open doors. 4. I have to take them outside to potty AND PICK IT UP! 5. Colonel acts like he's old and grumpy and will growl if you touch him let alone pick him up. He has even begun to snip at me too, which I love so much. He usually hides all day unless I make him come out or Addison finds his hiding spot. 6. London will "ask" to get on the bed and will repeatedly bark softly or scratch her neck which makes her tags jingle. She's never itchy any other time. She will continue to alternate these until you have told her to come on the bed at least twice! Because apparently she didn't believe you the first time. (what makes me livid is when I have a sleeping baby in the room) 7. London has to sleep on the bed, touching you in some manner, that usually means she is restricting your movement. Her favorite spot is right behind your knees on top of the covers or on MY pillow. Oh and if you move her she will get down off the bed and precede with #6 again. 8. London stalks my 2 year old for fallen food. I did like this at first cause it meant less for me to pick up but it has escalated to taking it right from her hand if she's zoned out to Elmo, which results in a screaming toddler for me! 9. London had the most horrible breath and she won't chew on bones to clean her teeth like Colonel does. Now all this is normal dog stuff but here is the real kicker that sends me into such rage I imagine images of kicking them off a cliff... 10.When London wakes up in the morning, she immediately thinks it's time to potty. Colonel could probably hold it for 3 days... he's such a good boy in this aspect. If you don't get up to let her out she begins the bark/jingle thing. If this doesn't wake you enough to get up she will go wake up Addison. This makes me so mad I can't see straight. I usually have just gotten the baby back down and think I can get just a little more rest before my crazy active/loud/demanding toddler wakes up. I purposely wait to take London out until after I've taken care of Addison, partly cause I don't want her to wake her father who works night but mostly to teach London I won't give in to her tactics. So why do I keep them? Two reasons. One is my husband says we can't just throw away a commitment we made even though he isn't the one who takes care of them. The other is about 3 ft tall and loves these dogs so much! She has to give them hugs and kisses before bed and talks to them and loves to hold their leash (which usually gets yanked from her hands) What is a mama to do? For now, I suppose I will continue to take care of them until the glorious day that my kids are big enough to take over! Needless to say, traveling with two kids under 2 is not something I looked forward to doing. Brian drove 11hrs to Ohio to pick up our new 5th wheel camper, thankfully he had a good friend that offered to be his riding buddy, then drove the 11hrs back to Missouri. He arrived at our house at 8am on the Saturday we had planned to move out of the house. At 10am, we had some AMAZING friends and family that came out to help us move our entire house into the camper or our storage building! These friends were truly the hands of God that day. Malachi was born almost 2 weeks before so I couldn’t really help, Brian got not even 2 hrs of sleep, so we were in pretty bad shape and on a tight time constraint since we had to leave for North Dakota the next day. Yeah, God was really showing us how much we could handle through His strength! By the next day it was mostly done and my body was so sore it hurt to walk. Did I mention I had just given birth! We worked all day to finish up then headed to Brian’s family Easter celebration at the park. We were late but we made it! We stayed longer than planned and finally managed to leave town around 9pm. This was actually a blessing cause Addison slept most of the 8hrs until we stopped at 4am at a rest stop. It was nice to be able to pull over and have your own bed to sleep in free of charge. We got back on the road and spent over 12hrs getting the rest of the way to Bismarck, ND. This day was a little more challenging but Addison only started fussing near the end of the day so I still feel truly blessed. We watched movies on Brian’s laptop, which helped so much! Can I just say parking in a RV park for the first time, at midnight, with a 37ft trailer is NOT fun. Luckily this one was a pull through so it wasn’t as bad as it could have been. Oh, by the way, Virgin Mobile doesn’t work in like the whole state of ND it seems. This brought on a whole slue of problems! Brian passed his welding test so we officially had a job in Buella, about an hour away. We spent the whole next day trying to get a new phone carrier, which we decided on AT&T prepaid, however we needed cell service to deposit a $8k check we got in the mail right before we left, but couldn’t get phones with out any money. We finally got it all figured out. The next morning we had $12 in our bank since our tax return came through also. This again was God telling us to lean on Him since we were supposed to leave that morning to go to Buella but would have no money for gas to get there. Even if we didn’t get the check thing figured out God still had a plan to have money in our bank. We drove to Buella, and again parked in the dark but this time is was essecentally like trying to back down an ally and park in someone’s yard. It caused a bit of tension since I’m still trying to figure out how to direct Brian. He managed to do it without my help. Brian found out that his job was an hour drive so we pack up that night when he got home from his first day of work and drove to Washburn which is only a 10min drive for Brian. This time it wasn’t dark when we parked but I again still don’t know what I’m doing and Brian got frustrated with me again. I need to work on my communication! We got it parked but would have to move it to another spot the next night since this one was a 30amp service and the new spot was a 50amp, which just means more electricity and stuff (like the space heaters) work better. Yes, I said space heaters cause even though the days were getting up in the 70s the nights were still freezing (literally)! Its not so bad here except for its like population 100 and they only have a grocery store and a Family Dollar. I did find a walmart and some decent civilization about 30-40 min away. I got groceries and did 2weeks worth of laundry at a laundry mat with both kids by myself in the drizzly sleety rain… which basically means I’m wonder woman! I won’t be doing that again though! After writing my last post Saturday night, I got up the next morning and went to church as usual. God was speaking to me very clearly that morning in telling me He can make me new, He can make my body new, and the past didn't matter! I was over come with a peace and knowledge that I have a mighty God that can do ALL things, not just the "all" things that are limited by my earthly thinking!
On the way home from church I started having some contractions which wasn't unusual since the truck normally did this to me. They didn't stop, were almost 10 min apart, but not painful just uncomfortable. I had been having braxton hicks off and on for several days so I wasn't convinced this was labor. By that evening, they were about the same but getting more intense. At around 11pm I knew I was in labor but I had planned to stay homwe as long as possible. By 2am I had been up walking, laying down, sitting on the yoga ball and couldn't take not knowing if I was progressing. I called my doula and told her we were headed to the hospital. When we got checked at the hospital, I was 3cm, which was only 1cm more than I had been. Been in labor all day and only profressed 1cm!! They had me walk around the hospital for 30min, which is kinda creepy so early in the morning by the way. My doula had me do some contractions while squatting and the one nurse that happened to walk by gave us a weird look and asked if I was ok. No, not ok until this baby is out!! We just smiled and said yes. When we got back to the room, I was now 5cm. Now thats more like it! They said I could stay and checked on me an hour later. I was now 7cm! woo hoo! This is going a lot better than Addison's birth. The contractions were getting pretty rough so I got in the bath and labored there for over an hour. They checked me again and I had made no progress. I got a little distraught at this point. Being out of the water was horrible and when I got back in it wasn't helping as much as before. I was so tired and just wanted to sleep. It was now 7am. I asked Brian if I could have an epidural and he said it wasn't his decision, if I wanted one then get one. I had to wait for the anesthesiologist to get out of surgery and there was a first time mama in front of me but because this was my 2nd baby they were going to let me go first. Thank you Jesus! I got my epidural at 8am and it started working right away. Brian got a little sleep in a recliner but moved to the floor to finish his nap. I couldn't really sleep all that much but was able to relax. I was lying on my side and feeling a lot of pressure so they checked me and I was ready to go. It was 1pm. At this point the numbing feeling was leaving my legs. They put me on my back and told me to push with the contractions. I didn't really have to urge to push yet but figured maybe I just didn't know because of the epidural. I pushed for an hour. He was crowning but just not coming out. I asked to squat but they said with the epidural I didn't have the legs for it even though I thought I did. I asked to lay on my side and things felt like they were going better. I kept being told during every contraction that I was almost there and to push just a little harder. When the contraction was over, I would feel his head and it was still in the same spot. I just knew I was being lied to. I broke down and gave up for a couple contractions, I was hyperventilating and trying not to cry. I gave it one more measly push and I'm pretty sure God had pitty on me and slipped my babies head out. After the head, the body just comes on out. It was such an odd feeling. They had asked Brian if he wanted to catch but I was scared to let him leave my side so I yelled no and grabbed his shirt so he couldn't leave. I feel kinda bad for stealing that moment from him. Then the placenta, which aparently was huge, came out and I was holding my perfect baby boy. It was 2:31pm. I just kept saying "I'm done" and "I'm not pregnant anymore" Then came the stitches cause I tore A LOT! But after 2 hours they had me using the bathroom and going to my hospital room. We were allowed to go home the next afternoon after Malachi had been there for 24hrs. This was way different than the 4 days I stayed with Addison. After having both a c section and a natural delivery I definitely think the csection was easier. Pushing a baby out of your downstairs sucks! Yes, I had an incision to deal with after the csection but I wasn't sitting on it all the time. I felt fine by my 6week check up and with the ways I tore this time, women keep telling me it will hurt for months. But thats just my opinion. Everyone is different and I would definitely take a vaginal birth over a c section any day. In reguards to post pardum depression: Some know that I delt with that after Addison was born. It is very common for those that have csections because by not delivering a baby the brain doesn't release the happy cocktail of hormones designed to make a mother bond with her baby. I cannot express how much different this post pardum experience has been. It may be because its my 2nd child or the fact that I don't feel like a failure but everything is so much better and I'm just so happy evertime I look at my beautiful boy. God is so much greater than we can even fathom! I don't know how to calm my anxious heart. As birth gets closer, I find my thoughts are more and more of a question when it comes to God's providence over the birth. I was so sure of my first birth. It was going to be this magical experience and even though it would be hard, I knew my body was designed by my masterful Creator to be able to birth my child. However, it ended up being 24hrs of hard labor that ended in a c-section. This left me with a feeling of failure that my body might not be able to do preform like I once thought. I worked through a lot of emotions of resentment, inadequacy, and regret. Now that I'm back in this same situation, I find that I'm not as over it as I once thought. I am ok with what happened and I know it can't be changed but I haven't had this baby yet and everything is up in the air. I can read scriptures all day long and say that I know God will provide no matter what the outcome is, but there is something that is not sinking into my heart. I am not feeling God's peace and I'm not trusting in Him like I should. I'm scared and I "know" that this is going to suck and I'm just going to suffer again to ultimately be a failure once again. I just keep thinking I'm doomed if I do and I'm doomed if I don't cause I don't want to be in so much pain this time. You might be thinking, Hey there's pain meds for that, and while you are correct, statistics show that if I were to use them I will probably end up in a c-section. If I don't use them and fight the pain the whole time and don't relax to let my body do its thing, then I will probably end up in a c-section. So I've thought well then just go ahead and schedule one if I'm going to end up there anyway. But that would be giving up completely on myself and my faith and I know that is just satan whispering more lies. But that puts me back in the state of knowing what is right but not feeling it in my heart. Is that what faith is? To act in the face of fear, when my flesh is screaming no but my knowledge in the Lord is saying yes.
There I've said it. I've gotten it out. I am being completely transparent and hoping that now I can just take off this "yes I'm excited" mask and be filled with God's faith and love. I am open Lord! Please just.... I don't even know... just hold me! Amen! I'm so excited about our five year plan. For the last 7 years of our marriage we have either been struggling, surviving, or coasting. But now.... we're on a mission that's actually happening. Eeeek!
Ok, so first was to get Brian through welding school on just our savings, since I'm a stay at home mom and he would have to be a full time student for four months. Check! When we loaded up the car and headed to CA for his first job we only had like $300 in the bank.... but we did it! Now that this first job is almost over, I will be heading back to MO early and Brian will come shortly after so we can have our second baby in April. Brian has to purchase a truck and rig by May because he starts a job in CA, which is great so I can show off the new baby to all the great friends we've made while out here! This job is only a month long so we'll see what comes after that... maybe just a break for the summer and exploring the west coast in the warm weather! Next, will be to purchase a fifth wheel, which will be our home for the next few years. We like this Sabre because of the open living room. Addison will sleep on the fold out couch when she's big enough. We have a blow up toddler bed for now. Our plan is to do this traveling nomadic lifestyle until we have saved $100K. It should take less than 5 years. That will be our down payment to build several duplexes back home. We also want to build an earthship for us to live in. Basically its a very efficient, half berried house, with a green house in the front and made of recycled tires, cans, and other materials. Its really cool if you've never looked into them! All of this will allow us to do the following: Have money coming in without punching a time clock Allow us to be off the grid: solar, catching rain water, ect. Grow our own organic food Have goats and chickens Live a simplistic life while following what God has put on our hearts I know this isn't everyone's cup of tea but this dream has developed more and more in the last few years. We have several friends that we've dreamed with and who have our same desires. Not everyone can drop everything and hit the road like we are so I hope one day to invite these friends to build their earthships on our land as well. I believe it really does take a village and if the village isn't there.... well, then we will build it! I've been convicted, lately, about the things I've chosen to bring into my home and my mind. I'm torn between which is more important. I pride myself on the fact that we don't have a TV and while that's true, we still have the internet that allows us to watch those same shows online. True, we watch less TV than the average American, who watches an average of 24hrs per week (3 1/2 hrs per day for ages 2-24) and goes up steadily from there, according to this article back in 2012. However, I don't think watching less is what God had in mind when He told us to "Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life." in Proverbs 4:23. This conviction is hitting me not only about what I'm watching but the fact that my kids are hearing it also. I didn't think Addison, who is 1 1/2yrs, was paying attention while playing on the floor with her toys until the internet skips or I pause the show, then she looks at me and says "uh oh" until it comes back on. I am training my child to watch tv, to always need sound, that the things I'm watching are ok in God's eyes... when truly they are not!
I've been working on walking away from the computer when Addison wants to play and letting her "help" with things like the dishes (even though it makes things harder and a bigger mess), taking her to the park most days and making better decisions when buying groceries. (like going organic, staying away from sugar and processed foods) While all these are good, I still feel like I'm poisoning her mind. This is why I've been so torn. If I watch it, its one thing, because I'm used to it or its my struggle to deal with and I'm less likely to change. If Addison is listening to it, weather it be a cuss word here and there or a sex scene or people yelling at each other, it gets under my skin... but is it enough to change? Yes I want to shelter my child and yes she needs to know what the world is like but she needs to know FIRST that these things are not alright with God and she will only learn that through Brian and my examples. Brian doesn't struggle at all with this particular issue. He could care less about TV. So, what's the problem? I've got a conviction. I know what I need to do. So, why don't I just do it? Because I don't want to. It's as simple as that. I am a two year old that wants to satisfy my sinful nature. I don't want to challenge myself to even go a week with out TV because I feel like life is already hard enough right now. And while being stuck at home with no car, being 31 weeks pregnant with a toddler, and not having any help for all but a few hrs at night might be hard, its not as hard as what Christ did for us. He was tempted. He wanted to choose an easier path... but did he? No. So I make this commitment: For a week: I will not watch anything that does not bring Glory to God (goes for reading books too). I will read my bible more. I will only get on Facebook when Addison is sleeping. I will play worship music if I need to listen to something instead of a show/movie. WISH ME LUCK! We've been out here in California for about 3 months now and I am just now realizing how truly blessed we've been! Here are a few things I've learned (some things more insightful than others lol):
1. No matter where you go, you will have family because the body of Christ is everywhere. We have been blessed to find such a good church with AMAZING people! They have taken us in and treated us like family for Thanksgiving. They have fellowshipped with us, been there for us when I needed a ride, love Addison like she was their own! They even want to throw me a baby shower when we've only know them such a short time! (The "they" are all different people BTW) 2. I like having easy access to organic foods! I want to start weeding out the chemicals in our lives. Not just on food but also in shampoos, cleaners and any other products we use. I want to not just eat better but eat more vitamin dense foods. I want Addison, and little man, to grow up learning how to cook (which means I need to learn too lol) and grow their own food. I think that will be a skill needed very much in their life time because there will be an entire generation that won't know how to do this! 3. I like the mild winters and being able to walk to a park with Addison. Every time we drive by a park, she can spot them even when you don't, she says "weee". This always makes us smile. She knows the words "park" and "play". If she's being cranky, I assess my situation. If its not nap time, then her crankiness is usually because I've been sitting on the computer for a while and she's trying to get my attention. Instead of pulling her onto my lap and fighting her not to touch the computer, I have started shutting the laptop and crawling on the floor to play with her toys and read her books. This has worked wonders! After about 30 min I can go back to my computer and she will continue playing by herself for a while longer. 4. I miss my family more when I don't have the option to run down and see them whenever I want. While in Missouri, I was within a couple hours of seeing my family and my mom would visit once a month. Being out here has made me realize how much I liked that. Even though I didn't visit very often, having them close was good enough for me. Now, however, being half the county away, I want to visit all them time. In fact, I wouldn't mind seeing them everyday, and letting Addison play with her cousins! Family has become more of an importance, like it should be! Its the inevitable constant, which is ironic considering what change means. Webster describes it as: to make or become different or something else. Change is neither good nor bad for change, like beauty, is judged by the beholder. When one changes location, they can see beauty and wonder where others see mediocrity. Likewise, when one looses something or someone and has to change to compensate, one might see it as a loss while others see the magic in their overcomming the diversity.
I am trying to use this prospective, change being neither good nor bad, to as I struggle with my emotions lately. When the world means to hurt me God means it for my good (Gen 50:20), therefore, I should see every change as a good and lovely blessing from the One who delights in me (Ps 18:19). I have been feeling needy and sad, complacent and unappreciated as I sit at home by myself with my daughter. This is not to say there is anything lacking from the love and affection that my amazing husband shows me. In fact, this shows just how much he loves me as he contiues with his unconditional love even with my unaccepting heart. I have come to the conclusion that this is the hunger for God stiring in me as I have been so consumed with the change of cirrcumstances, that I have only taken the few morsals of God's Word that church can give. The world would mean this to harm me, to isolate me, and to depress me. However, I am very excited because its in these times of hunger that one can grow the most and change into something else, something more like Jesus, which is our ultimate goal! I not only accept this change, I greet it with open arms and thank the Lord for the valley because it makes the mountain top that much sweeter! I have come to realize I am not the independant woman I once thought I was. When I was in my teens I thought I could concour the world, not to say I couldn't but I was definatly more naive back then. Yesterday was my 7 yr anniversary and there was a lot of normal things that needed done so we didn't do anything special. Brian stayed home with Addison after he got off work and I went to a near by town to get some things for the new apartment we are in. As I was driving in the quiet, so I could hear the GPS, I realizied how anxious I was becoming. I don't drive a whole lot and realized this was my first time driving on a 8 lane road... during rush hr. I began praying for peace and guideance and God was gracious with me. Everytime the road started to get backed up it was my turn to exit. It was actually pretty easy. I realized that being married for so long there are things that I just expect Brian to do and haven't learned/practiced for myself. I began to think of all the thinkgs a single girl would have to do if she moved half way across the country by herself or about my dad when he would travel so far away for weeks at a time, or about when my sister moved to Philly for a while.... lets just say I began to appreciate Brian more and more on this little drive. I know I have never liked change... which lets face it not a whole lot of people do... but being able to deal and adapt with it gracefully is the key part of making it work. I would like to say I've done a pretty good job at it so far but this adventure isn't over yet so we'll see.
I can say I think I did a little growing and soul searching for the couple hours I had by myself which was needed. I am a little home sick especially with the holidays quikly approaching. All that being said, I was able to go out and streatch my comfort zone. I was able to do it with minimual anxiety, frustration, or fear. So maybe I am that independant woman I just know when to lean on my husband and God for support! |
AuthorI'm a stay at home mommy of a beautiful little girl and a rambunctious baby boy. Although I stay at home, my home doesn't stay put lol. We travel for my husband's work and live in a 5th wheel camper full time. We also have a mini schnauzer, who is a crotchety old man. :) I love crafting, cooking, and taking pics. But most of all I love me some Jesus! Archives
May 2016
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