There I've said it. I've gotten it out. I am being completely transparent and hoping that now I can just take off this "yes I'm excited" mask and be filled with God's faith and love. I am open Lord! Please just.... I don't even know... just hold me! Amen!
I don't know how to calm my anxious heart. As birth gets closer, I find my thoughts are more and more of a question when it comes to God's providence over the birth. I was so sure of my first birth. It was going to be this magical experience and even though it would be hard, I knew my body was designed by my masterful Creator to be able to birth my child. However, it ended up being 24hrs of hard labor that ended in a c-section. This left me with a feeling of failure that my body might not be able to do preform like I once thought. I worked through a lot of emotions of resentment, inadequacy, and regret. Now that I'm back in this same situation, I find that I'm not as over it as I once thought. I am ok with what happened and I know it can't be changed but I haven't had this baby yet and everything is up in the air. I can read scriptures all day long and say that I know God will provide no matter what the outcome is, but there is something that is not sinking into my heart. I am not feeling God's peace and I'm not trusting in Him like I should. I'm scared and I "know" that this is going to suck and I'm just going to suffer again to ultimately be a failure once again. I just keep thinking I'm doomed if I do and I'm doomed if I don't cause I don't want to be in so much pain this time. You might be thinking, Hey there's pain meds for that, and while you are correct, statistics show that if I were to use them I will probably end up in a c-section. If I don't use them and fight the pain the whole time and don't relax to let my body do its thing, then I will probably end up in a c-section. So I've thought well then just go ahead and schedule one if I'm going to end up there anyway. But that would be giving up completely on myself and my faith and I know that is just satan whispering more lies. But that puts me back in the state of knowing what is right but not feeling it in my heart. Is that what faith is? To act in the face of fear, when my flesh is screaming no but my knowledge in the Lord is saying yes.
There I've said it. I've gotten it out. I am being completely transparent and hoping that now I can just take off this "yes I'm excited" mask and be filled with God's faith and love. I am open Lord! Please just.... I don't even know... just hold me! Amen!
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AuthorI'm a stay at home mommy of a beautiful little girl and a rambunctious baby boy. Although I stay at home, my home doesn't stay put lol. We travel for my husband's work and live in a 5th wheel camper full time. We also have a mini schnauzer, who is a crotchety old man. :) I love crafting, cooking, and taking pics. But most of all I love me some Jesus! Archives
May 2016
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